BEYOND THE KARMAN LINE - BLOG 1

“BPD & ME”       November 7, 2024

                                   LIVING WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER - by RUTH SLAYBAUGH

(Editor’s Note) Borderline Personality disorder is a Mental Illness affliction that affects at least 2% of all Americans. It can cause mood swings, anger, and impulsive behaviors. It tends to be prevalent in women more than men, causes poor self-image, low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment. However, it often improves with age. (Mayo Clinic).

                                           Why is BPD my biggest challenge?

For me, BPD is terrifying. But why? My name is Ruth and I am a 29 year old female who has been diagnosed with several Mental Illnesses, one of which is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I feel that BPD is the most difficult to deal with. One of the hardest aspects of it is the constant fear and distrust I have of others, even when there is no concrete evidence of seriously negative events. I either hold a friend or partner too tight on a pedestal or don’t give them the respect they deserve. I have undergone years of counseling so I know how “I’m supposed” to control my feelings, from a clinical perspective. BUT…often times I simply can’t. As a result, this triggers my anxiety, depression, and negative episodes.

I also have trouble interacting with people in a positive and constructive manner. I don’t know how to control my feelings when I’m with people, whether it’s 1 friend or in a group. If I like someone, I idolize them and if I don’t like someone, I hate them. This is no middle ground, which makes it difficult to retain friendships and support systems. One of the most painful things about this reality is if I idolize someone and then they do something that causes me to lose my trust in them, I will cut them out of my life. No second chances. Most other people will try to communicate and work out issues with the other person. Not me. If you hurt me, I leave you first to avoid further pain. 

This is an extremely disturbing reality of BPD because after you look up to someone for so long and they betray your trust, it hurts…and for me, that hurt never goes away. It’s as if BPD deletes any compassion I may have. Another thing about BPD that is challenging is the emotional in-between. Black and white thinking is common with this illness. Recognizing and managing the in-between (called the gray area) is hard for me because when I was going through my trauma it was always one extreme or the other. You either run and avoid getting hurt or stay and risk being hurt. I always chose to run. If I stay, I get triggered and my anger kicks in. And sometimes that anger is difficult to control. It’s the fight or flight syndrome. It is so hard for me to see the gray, or even notice there are in-between options. It’s as if BPD is a subconscious voice that is making me say to others, “you hurt me so I will leave you first to avoid further pain.” This occurs even after minor incidents.

This is a depressing feeling because after you look up, or care about someone and then have a conflict, BPD amplifies it and I perceive it as betrayal…and the pain resonates deeply. I realize that in most people, reactions depend on the severity of the betrayal but BPD causes a type of emotional blindness that makes it far more challenging to just let go of any negative event, no matter if its’ large or small. What BPD makes me do is fail to realize that reconciliation is always possible, if I have the strength to allow it to happen.

But there is hope…for me and all those living with BPD. The takeaway message I’d like to give to the many people who suffer from BPD is that, even though Mental Illness is not curable, it IS treatable. With professional counseling, prescribed medication, a solid support group, and a self-care routine, those of us with BPD can work, study, be highly functional, and happy. I encourage anyone with BPD to seek professional help, embrace your diagnosis, and most importantly, never give up on yourself. 

Ruth Slaybaugh is a Mental Health advocate, writer, and speaker. She has worked in Social Services for over 8 years. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in Child & Family Studies from LSU and will begin her Master’s in Social Work program in January of 2025 at Arizona State University. Her career goal is to work with veterans who experience Mental Illness challenges. In her spare time, Ruth enjoys spending time with her ESA puppy Tripp, growing and nurturing plants, and volunteering in her community.